APPENDIX 619

Or rather, everything came blissful to me. I liked small things for being small, great for being great; the weak for their weakness, and the strong for their strength.

And with this power of adaptation, I had also a sensual faculty of pleasure in sight, as far as I know unparalleled. Turner very certainly never took the delight in his own drawings that I did, else he had more uniformly drawn beautiful and sublime things, instead of, as too often, merely intellectually true ones (I will return to this point afterwards¹), and certainly he would often have painted subjects for his own pleasure, instead of waiting for commissions. Ductility, comprehensiveness, sensitiveness- and associated with this third, horror of pain and disorder-leading me to wide human compassion; then fourthly, intense delight in, with sound elementary knowledge of, physical science, based on a love of mathematical structure, which in the issue led me continually away from painting into architecture, and, once or twice, very nearly from both into geology and botany. I scarcely count my love of music as a separate and additional faculty, because it is merely the same sensitiveness in the ear to sound as in the eye to colour, joined with the architectural love of structure. But this faculty never had the same chance of cultivation as the others, for the simple reason that while I could see good painting or architecture whenever I chose, it was impossible at this period of my chrysalid existence to hear good music anywhere. The modern Italian school was represented by executants of the highest genius, with the result of such popularity throughout France and Italy, that the optional music of cathedral services continually was arranged from opera airs of that school, which also had as much power over my then temperament as Shelley’s poetry,-and I never came across any one who could explain a single principle of music to me, nor had any opportunity of hearing music of a pure school in simplicity.

Scientific German music-full of conceit and effort-I rightly abhorred then, as I abhor now; and rightly feeling besides that no energy would be enough to follow up painting and music together, I allowed the latter only such chance thought as I could spare-steadily progressive thought, however-until I felt myself justified in speaking of its laws, as I have done lately, in their perceived relation to the laws of other arts.

These various capacities and qualities in me then were at this time fairly ready for action if any stimulus or explicit direction came to them; -but there was for me absolutely nothing of either. I never read, or heard, or knew of a youth so aimless at that age, with so great habits of industry and so many sources of interest, and am a great puzzle to myself in looking back.

This much, however, I perceive with some satisfaction, that the main cause of the indecision was a true feeling of my own littleness. With all the arrogance I have confessed in comparing myself with my companions or tutors, I never for an instant thought of matching myself against great men. I might fancy I could draw better than Prout, and write better than Mr. Pringle-and in some sort these fancies were true-but I never thought I could be Rubens or Michael Angelo or Walter Scott. In nothing

¹ [This, however, was not done.]

[Version 0.04: March 2008]